Post-9/11:
Life as a comic book
By J.
Raimondo
We're living in a comic book world, where American
superheroes confront an "Axis of Evil," and the Evil One (Lex Luthor?) is defeated but lives to fight another day. I hear that comics have fallen on hard times, and that today's
sophisticated kids just can't be bothered (too much like reading), but, really,
if it wasn't for my early infatuation with the world of DC Comics – Supermanespecially –
the post-9/11 world would seem completely inexplicable. I remember one
story-line that had Superman trapped in "Bizarro World" – another dimension, existing alongside our own, in which everything
was weirdly skewed, perversely inverted: a parody of our own. As preparation
for the world of 2002, I couldn't have had a better education, for what else
are we to make of this story of the airline passenger facing 20
years for using the lavatory without permission….?
A FELONY URINATION
Richard Bizarro, who got up out of his seat to take a
whiz, has become "the first person arrested under a new flight regulation
adopted for the Olympics," Fox News reports. Bizarrely, he faces "up
to 20 years in prison on charges of interfering with a flight crew." On a
Delta airlines flight from Los Angeles to Salt Lake City, Mr. Bizarro got out
of his seat 25 minutes before landing, in violation of the 30-minute rule newly
imposed on Salt Lake City flights by the Federal Aviation Administration as a
precautionary measure during the Olympics. (The same rule is permanently in
effect for all travelers to the Imperial City).
For this he's facing 20 years? Ah, but urination without
authorization is just the beginning of his crimes: according to one of the
witches disguised as flight attendants, Bizarro not only "ignored her
orders" but also "stared at her for about a minute before returning
to his seat." The Fox News story also ominously adds that Bizarro is
"6-foot-2 and 220 pounds" – another crime, along with unauthorized
staring, in the Bizarro World we're living in. Goodness gracious me, I'll be
surprised if he doesn't get life without possibility of parole!
Oh, but here's my favorite part:
"Because of the incident, air marshals aboard the plane ordered all
passengers to put their hands on their heads for the rest of the flight."
WELCOME TO BIZARRO WORLD
If this seems utterly inexplicable to you, then you
don't understand the central organizing (or is that disorganizing)
principle of Bizarro World. As the link above explains, this is:
"A planet where alarm clocks dictate when to go to sleep, ugliness is
beautiful and the world's greatest hero is a chalk- faced duplicate of
Superman."
In the normal world – that is, the world prior to 9/11 – airlines competed
for business, each one claiming to treat their customers like royalty. In the
Bizarro World we landed in after 9/11, however, the airlines are competing to
see which one is the meanest, and, from what I can see, the
competition is positively cutthroat.
BOOK HIM!
The FBI claims that "the incident [what incident?]
was seen by two of three undercover air marshals on board …One of the agents
said he saw Bizarro give what appeared to be a 'thumbs up' to another passenger
as he returned to his seat, prompting the marshals to take control of the
cabin." Aha! Unauthorized hand signals! Give that man another 20
years!
HIJACKERS OR SKY MARSHALS? YOU
DECIDE
Bizarro, for his part, told the Salt Lake Tribune that he thought the sky marshals were hijackers. When three men,
"old enough to be his grandchildren," started yelling and demanding
that everyone put their hands on their heads, "I believed I was witnessing
a hijacking of our airplane," he said. Bizarro, in spite of his name, just
doesn't get it: everything's changed, you dolt! Up is down. Down is
up. Ugly is beautiful, and vice-versa. Sky marshals act like hijackers – makes
sense to me….
"Bizarro, a frequent traveler, said he had never heard the restriction
announced before," the Salt Lake Tribune reports,
"and no one stopped him when he stood up." But of course,
you ninny! When someone's committing a felony, the idea is not to stop them but
to let them go ahead.
The Tribune continues: "When he
exited the restroom, Bizarro said he was confronted by a flight attendant,
whose comments he interpreted as rudeness." In a world where rudeness is
interpreted as a display of the most exquisite manners, an old-fashioned guy
like Richard Bizarro just doesn't stand a chance. Federal prosecutors zealously
pursuing this case "say he intimidated the attendant with his stares and
his size." A contrite yet somewhat baffled Bizarro says "I now know
she was just doing her job," but still denies being able to do anything
about his height and weight. He is also at a loss as to the mysterious hand
signals, and the appearance, demeanor, and actions of the sky marshals.
According to him,
"The three air marshals looked young enough to be his grandchildren
and may have had fake badges. One marshal was wearing a baseball cap backward,
he added. 'They did not give the appearance they were law enforcement officers
and I did not pay them the proper respect,' Bizarro said."
THE END OF NORMALITY
But it all makes perfect sense: cops naturally look and
act like young punks – if you're living in Bizarro World. Mr. Bizarro describes
his experience as "surreal" – but, of course, the surreal is the
normal in our post-9/11 universe. What would really be odd, at this point, is
even the slightest hint of normality. But try as one might, you won't find it
in the headlines. Here, for example, is a story about the race to
get dibs on the now famous phrase: "Let's Roll!"
The 9/11 hero, Todd Beamer, has a foundation set up
in his name which is now battling for first dibs on the phrase that is the
modern version of "We have not yet begun to fight!" – over the
trademark, that is. Associated Press reports:
"The foundation is competing against various companies and individuals
who want to sell everything from T-shirts to mud flaps emblazoned with what has
become a catch phrase for American courage.
"The race could eventually lead to a legal battle over whether someone
can actually claim exclusive use over such a commonly used expression."
THE END OF LANGUAGE
It used to be that language was the one thing we all
had in common. Not anymore. Now, anyone can trademark any combination of words
– like claiming an internet address – and forbid everyone else from using them.
Gee, I think I'll apply for exclusive rights to "bill past due,"
"remit immediately," and all possible variations thereof – that
should hold off my creditors for awhile.
THE END OF CAPITALISM
Several others got in line ahead of the Beamer
Foundation: Iman Abdallah, of Newark, New Jersey, was first (hmmmmm….),
closely followed by at least a dozen others, including Jack L. Williams, of
Grosse Pointe Park, Michigan, who got in ahead of the Beamer people by two full
days and is disdainful of threats from the foundation's legal team: "I
don't care what your name is, it's first in, first swim," says Williams, a
contractor. "It's all about good old American capitalism."
Williams is another one who just doesn't get it: the rules are now
inverted, and it's first in, but you don't even get wet. Just ask Microsoft,
which is being dragged into court again for the high crime of being first on the market with a useful product
selling at a reasonable price. And as for good old American capitalism: in a
world where airlines get money from
the government to torture their
passengers, there ain't no such thing anymore. In the twisted logic of the
post-9/11 Bizarro World, the idea is to drive passengers away, and lose money
– but only a lucky few will be allowed to go out of business. The rest will see
their misery – and that of their customers – prolonged by an endless stream of government subsidies and other bail-out measures.
DON'T COUNT ON IT
The AP piece cites Tom Holt, a Boston-based patent attorney, who finds it
hard to believe that trademarking "Let's roll!" is going to survive a
legal challenge:
"You can't seek to appropriate for your own use words plucked out of
the dictionary. While the words `Let's roll' have taken on a very profound
significance, I don't think trademark protection will be given to that
phrase."
I wouldn't be so sure about that. While certain people, such as Mr.
Bizarro, above, and perhaps Mr. Holt himself, seem immune to the effects of the
big post-9/11 change, in which ordinary logic has been turned on its head, the
Bizarro-ization process seems well advanced to me.
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