Mussolini’s Last Words

Mussolini, Mugabe, Ceausescu, Blunt—none of them ever got it up again after losing their knighthood

by Taki Theodoracopulos

At ten minutes past four on the afternoon of April 28, 1945, a plumber named Moretti shot and killed a prematurely aged man and a youngish woman who was not wearing any underwear in front of the Villa Belmonte near Lake Como. Next to Moretti—who was later tried for theft and other misdeeds—was one Colonel Valerio, whose submachine gun had jammed while he was trying to shoot the defenseless couple.

Millions of words have been written about Benito Mussolini and Clara Petacci’s last moments, but until now not a single writer—not even Il Duce’s definitive biographer, Nicholas Farrell—had managed to correctly discover Benito’s last words to Clara before the cowardly communist assassin cut him down.

This is a Taki’s Mag exclusive: Mussolini’s very last words. Alas, I am not at liberty to reveal their source (hint: the Churchill family). Here they are verbatim, translated by me:

What shit (merda) this Honours Forfeiture Committee is! Can you imagine the shitty (merdoso) British have stripped me of my knighthood?

As everyone knows, Valerio left the assassinated couple’s corpses lying on the road, later to be dragged to Piazzale Loreto in Milan and hanged upside down from a petrol station’s roof girders. The cheering mob even had the courtesy to tie a rope to la Petacci’s skirt to hide her nakedness.

“Mussolini, Mugabe, Ceausescu, Blunt—none of them ever got it up again after losing their knighthood.”

But no one until now ever managed to find out what Il Duce was so depressed about on that horribly rainy day when he was shot like a mad dog. Well, now you know.

Musso’s knighthood had been awarded to him in 1923 and rescinded in 1940. After faceless British mandarins forfeited it, he was left a haunted and broken man. Il Duce stayed angry and depressed thinking about it day and night, which at times made him impotent.

Exactly the same thing happened to Nicolae Ceausescu during his last night on Earth. The faceless British committee revoked Ceausescu’s knighthood the night before his 1989 execution by firing squad. The Romanian dictator wanted to have one last you-know-what with his wife, who was also scheduled to be shot in the brave Italo-Romanian tradition. But both were too upset over the loss of the British honor to perform, no matter how hard—I mean, soft—they tried. Their guards were visibly embarrassed. The impotent strongman was still giving it a go when they were dragged out and shot at dawn.

Anthony Blunt’s case was even more horrible. He never managed to have sex with rent boys after the Queen lifted his knighthood for being a Russian spy. He continued to pay but was unable to perform. That’s the worst of both worlds.

I hate to think what that poor Fred the Shred is going through.

A world-famous psychiatrist I spoke to, Professor Wulfshlagger of Berne University, explained to me that taking an axe to a man’s knighthood is like chopping off his penis. “The beta amyloid plaques of the brain interconnect with the decision to strip a man of his knighthood as if his manhood was being chopped off,” said the learned prof.

Professor Wulfshlagger was only indiscreet in the name of science. He added that when Robert Mugabe’s knighthood was revoked, the Zimbabwean monster became impotent overnight. He had been flown to Salisbury, or whatever name that once-beautiful city is now called by the clowns that run it, in a special jet sent by a desperate Mugabe.

“There was little I could do for him,” said the professor. “Since 2008, when the British decided to strip him of his knighthood, his sexual drive left him completely and forever. It was as if he had been emasculated with a scalpel—a rare medical phenomenon known as ‘knighttration.’ It’s all in the mind, of course.”

Professor Wulfschlagger told me the reason that Mussolini openly flaunted his womanizing after the war’s outbreak in 1940 was typical of those suffering from knighttration. Mussolini, Mugabe, Ceausescu, Blunt—none of them ever got it up again after losing their knighthood. Once afflicted by that rare disorder, no one ever has sex again.

Hitler, on the other hand, rutted Eva Braun twice before committing suicide. But the Führer was never given a knighthood, not even by the Duke of Windsor. So he had not a worry in the world on the night of April 29, 1945, a night of incredible lust on both their parts. Eva’s cries of ecstasy were drowned out by the unromantic Russkis’ heavy bombing.

The best way to keep a healthy sex life is to never accept an honor from the likes of Labour. But you can accept a peerage anytime. Peerages, like sex, are forever.